The gifts...

There were so many gifts from Michael's cancer...he accepted his life for what is was, finally realizing that you can have all the money in the world, but if you don't have your health nothing matters...he accepted his place in his family and enjoyed the time and the visits that he got...he opened his heart, not just to his family, but to strangers as well and received so much love in return...he stopped trying to be someone he wasn't...we spent countless hours together, not always talking, but always touching and it was a beautiful thing...he accepted help from anyone willing to offer it...he mended some fences with Joseph and a few others and all was well...he deepened his relationship with both of his boys and it was so sweet to see...he helped Kathy grieve and she helped him die...he became the person that he was meant to be...he came to terms with his God, and even though he didn't want to leave, he accepted his death as well...Cancer brought us both many gifts...and it was an honor and a privilege to be with the love of my life from the moment of his diagnosis to the moment he took his last breath and every moment in between that I could be there...he helped me to be a better caregiver, a better person...more patient, more kind, more compassionate...his cancer was a gift, but he was a gift, as well, and I am so very thankful for him!!

How did I get here...

Cancer...I hated that word...I still hate that word...I barely comprehended Allison's death before Michael was diagnosed...I barely knew what it all meant before I was facing it each day...

I remember being in the doctors office when she told us the news...Michael was sitting on the table and I was standing behind him so I never saw his face...I don't know how he reacted...I just know that I leaned over and wrapped my arms around him and I buried my face in his hair and by the time we looked at each other, we were both composed ... and strangely enough, we remained composed throughout most of his cancer journey...sure, we had our moments, but for the most part we were strong and stoic and ready to fight this thing head-on and survive!!!  There were so many ups and downs...the many doctors appointments...so many different doctors and so many different treatments and so many different things to think about...

It was a roller coaster indeed, but it was a gift as well...Michael stopped working the day of his diagnosis and even though we spent countless hours in doctors offices, and in the car getting there we spent all that time together and I watched Michael go from a rather angry,bitter person to a man who accepted his fate, and expressed his feelings and grew to love not only himself, but everything around him...a gift indeed.

How did I get here...

Six years ago my life was pretty simple...my boys were in college, my husband was healthy, my job was fun, my house was starting to fall apart, but manageable, my social life was active...my life was good but I'm sure I complained about a gazillion things since that seemed to be the way I operated...

Then in October of 2006, the world stopped and nothing has been the same since...my beautiful niece, Allison, was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer and for the next few months we all hung on a thread of hope that she would beat the odds and survive...she didn't...on January 9, 2007 that beautiful girl took her last breath here on earth and her spirit soared...and none of us have been the same...

For my sister, and her husband, and their other daughter...well, I can't even imagine how they survive...how they put one foot in front of the other...how they accept life for what it is and how they have not allowed sorrow and sadness to bring them down...it is a constant in their lives, but they "live" and while living they honor Allison.

They taught all of us how to grieve, and just as we were getting started on the lessons, Michael was diagnosed with multiple myeloma in September 2007...once again our lives were rocked by cancer...and this time, Michael was determined that he would survive, if for nothing else, then for Allison...because Allison taught her Uncle Mike how to die, he wanted to live for her...

And live he did, for almost three years...he didn't take any fancy trips, though he did go to Washington, D.C. to see Matt & Sarah and he did go to St. Louis to meet all of Allison's friends...he was content to be in his home, surrounded by family and friends, in the house he loved, in the town he loved, surrounded by love...and surround him we did!!

Journaling...

I've never been one to journal...many people have told me that it is good therapy and that I should put my thoughts down on paper...but to me, it has always been just one more thing to start, and not finish!!  I have so many beautiful journals that I write in for a while and then put them on a shelf...but I am always looking at them in stores...such beautiful paper and designs and textures...I love journals, I just don't like to commit to them.  Maybe because I get to a certain point where I must start writing my true feelings, and I just don't want to "go there".

When my husband, Michael, was sick I started a blog for him so that everyone we knew, near and far, could keep up with his progress without having to call too often.  That "journal" was divided between the two of us...he wrote in it when he felt well enough, and discovered an inner "writer" and kept us all entertained (he was like that...keeping us all entertained) and I wrote in it when he was too tired, or too sick to do so...

I discovered I liked blogging better than journaling...perhaps because it was more about Michael and what was happening with him than it was about ME and my inner thoughts and feelings!!

Now as I begin the quest to find ME, I know that I have to get these thoughts and feelings out before I can find what is underneath all that "stuff"...so rather than "journal" I will "blog" and see where the road takes ME...Hang on, it could be a crazy ride!!!!!