Filled with doubt...

Lately my heart has been filled with doubt...which I've discovered is NOT a good place to be...

I question WHY Michael had to get cancer...WHY did he go thru so much only to die...WHY did he leave me alone to face the world without him...WHY won't I have him to grow old with...WHY do I have to make all the changes and be strong and have all the answers????

I don't want any of this...

My heart is full of doubt about our life together...if I had done something different would things have been different? would he still be alive? would we go thru life being clueless about loss? did I do all the right things?  did I make him happy? did he know how happy I was? probably not...I don't think even I realized how happy I was until it was all gone...

I didn't know how happy I was ... now I know how happy I was and now I know how sad I can be...

And now I know I must move forward and try to learn to live without him...learn to live a life just for me...to leave my old life behind and make a new life...but my heart is full of doubt...

THE KISS

It has been 30 months since Michael passed away...when I say it by months it doesn't seem as long...but it has been a long time.  I miss him every day, but as time goes on I don't think of him as often throughout the day.  When I lay my head down to sleep and I thank God for the blessings of the day I think of Michael...I don't often dream of him...though I wish I did...I miss him...I miss so many things about him (though truth be told, not EVERYTHING :) but what I miss most is the laughter and the love...

We had such a crazy love...it was up, it was down, it was all around but we hung in there thru the rough times and I am thankful that we savored the good times.  Our love was passionate...we fought passionately and we loved passionately and we followed my grandmother's advice and never went to bed angry at each other...sometimes we were up all night, but we didn't go to bed angry!!

Michael took my breath away from the moment of our first kiss on the seawall oh, so many years ago...he was such an amazing kisser and he said the same about me so it was a match made in heaven.  We NEVER greeted each other without a kiss...we never went to bed without a kiss...and spontaneous kisses throughout the day were normal for us.  Every morning before he left for work he would lean over and kiss me on the cheek and I would reach up and touch his cheek and say "love you, have a great day" and he would say "love you too" and off he would go...

Just the other night as I lay in bed somewhere between waking and sleeping, I felt his kiss on my cheek, as clearly as if he were in the room with me and I reached up to touch his cheek, but he wasn't there but still I whispered "love you" and I heard his voice say "it is going to be alright" and I closed my eyes and fell asleep with the knowledge that it will be alright...