Filled with doubt...

Lately my heart has been filled with doubt...which I've discovered is NOT a good place to be...

I question WHY Michael had to get cancer...WHY did he go thru so much only to die...WHY did he leave me alone to face the world without him...WHY won't I have him to grow old with...WHY do I have to make all the changes and be strong and have all the answers????

I don't want any of this...

My heart is full of doubt about our life together...if I had done something different would things have been different? would he still be alive? would we go thru life being clueless about loss? did I do all the right things?  did I make him happy? did he know how happy I was? probably not...I don't think even I realized how happy I was until it was all gone...

I didn't know how happy I was ... now I know how happy I was and now I know how sad I can be...

And now I know I must move forward and try to learn to live without him...learn to live a life just for me...to leave my old life behind and make a new life...but my heart is full of doubt...