HANDS...

I went to get my nails done the other day and had a man do them...a bit unusual for me and as he took my hand I realized that the one thing that was so much a part of my life is no longer...holding hands...

Michael and I always held hands...a small squeeze of the hand was our signal of "I love you"...no matter where we were our hands always gravitated toward one another...even when we slept somehow our hands always touched...and I didn't realize until the other day just how much I missed that.

Hands...I've been a "hand" person for as long as I can remember...my mother's hand draped over the front seat as my father drove and my sister and brother and I were in the backseat...her hand just hanging there always brought me comfort...my dad's long fingers holding a cigarette or a cigar in one hand and a drink in another always reminded me of a movie...Nana Foley's hands, twisted with age...

Hands that tell the story of people's lives...and always at the end of their lives it is the hands that I remember...Stroking Nana's hands in the nursing home as she told me stories of her youth...Mom's hands still and lifeless as she lay in the hospital bed...Dad's hands trying to help me put his feeding tube in...Allison's hands, so young and beautiful as she played with her laptop...Michael's hands reaching for me, always reaching for me and then so still...

Michael's hands, as he lay in the casket were so very beautiful...long and slender and wearing his wedding ring and draped in rosary beads...someone said they were so beautiful that we should take a picture...we didn't...I wish we had...

For if I had taken a picture then I would remember the hands that I love so much...his gentle hands that worked so hard to make a life for his family...hands that loved me...hands that changed diapers and fixed boo-boos...hands that clapped the loudest when his boys did something good...hands that slapped high fives when his teams scored a touchdown...hands that welcomed you in...hands that reached out when someone needed him...

Michael's hands weren't the nicest hands, but in my opinion they were the best...I miss those hands...I miss holding his hand, stroking his hand, squeezing his hand...but most of all I miss the squeeze back...I miss holding his hand... 

Deck the halls...

"It's Christmas time in the City"  There was a time when Christmas Carols made me happy...then there was a time when they made me so sad I couldn't listen to them...now this year I can feel a yearning for them, but still so many of them bring tears to my eyes.  When Michael and I were raising our boys Christmas was an amazing time and you never knew when one of us would break out in song...I had so many favorites and he wouldn't admit it, but so did he...and decking the halls...well, we both loved to do that.  I decorated the inside of the house (for the most part) and he decorated the outside.  It always seemed as if he picked the coldest day of the year to go outside and hang all of his lights...and he did so after a full day of work.  I remember standing at the kitchen door talking to him as he strung lights upon lights upon lights.  And when he was done we would walk across the street and admire his work...and if it wasn't too late we would get in the car and drive around the block to get the full effect...he was always in competition with the neighbors and was happy when everyone was up for the challenge.  I have so many beautiful memories of Christmas (the ugly memories have been forgotten...death has a way of doing that)...we always picked out a tree together as a family until the boys went off to college and we bought a fake one (I don't think the boys have ever gotten over that)...we disagreed on lights...I liked white, he liked color, but we compromised, as we did for so many things...over the years we accumulated so many decorations, so many village houses, so many memories...and then he was gone...and I couldn't bring myself to decorate for Christmas...the first Christmas made me so sad...I couldn't believe he wasn't here...when just the year before we had so much hope for his health and healing...and year two wasn't any easier, though I did buy a very small tabletop tree to honor him...but I did it for him because I just didn't have it in me to celebrate his favorite holiday without him...now I am at my third Christmas without him...and I am with my sister and her husband, and I watched them deck the halls this past week-end...as they honor Allison with a memory tree, and they decorate the rest of their house I feel the yearning to begin to do that, as well...to celebrate the birth of Jesus...to celebrate life, rebirth, love...and though I yearn for Michael and all that was, I know that I will carry him in my heart and that I will "deck the halls" next year...not just for him, but for myself and for my family as well..."Soon it will be Christmas Day"...

October...November...December...

I don't know where the time goes...I was going to be so good about blogging...sort of a healing journal...but like most things that I attempt I'm not doing such a great job!!

I'm feeling very lost these days and the holidays are killing me...Halloween came and with it a host of emotions that I did not know were still bubbling inside of me.  Halloween was such a crazy holiday in our house...Michael loved to decorate...he loved to make the kids costumes, paint their faces (and anyone else's who stopped by :) and loved answering the door for all the trick or treaters. We always had a great night whether it was going out with our own kids or being at home...there was usually a beef stew on the stove and homemade applesauce and way too much candy!!  This year I was at my sister's and though there was a lot of similarities, and Isaac, my mind kept going back to Halloween's past and one of Michael's last ones when he was so sick and he was lying on the bed on the front porch and wanted to be part of everything and just couldn't. And my heart was heavy with grief because I missed him so much and I continue to do so...

Thanksgiving was the same thing...dinner at Kathy's in-laws, and though it was nice it just wasn't the same...there was no Allison, no Michael...Jennifer was with Justin and Isaac and my boys were with their girls and their families...I was happy about that but it didn't ease the ache in my heart for what should be.

And as we approach Christmas, I feel as if I continue to go backwards...I thought for sure this one would be easier...most days my heart is at peace about Michael...but not right now...right now I want him back...I want our life back...I want my man, my home, my job...I don't want to play this game anymore...I'm tired of pretending that I am OK...I don't feel OK...I feel lost and lonely...I wonder when the pain will go away...I wonder when I will stop missing him