I don't know where the time goes...I was going to be so good about blogging...sort of a healing journal...but like most things that I attempt I'm not doing such a great job!!
I'm feeling very lost these days and the holidays are killing me...Halloween came and with it a host of emotions that I did not know were still bubbling inside of me. Halloween was such a crazy holiday in our house...Michael loved to decorate...he loved to make the kids costumes, paint their faces (and anyone else's who stopped by :) and loved answering the door for all the trick or treaters. We always had a great night whether it was going out with our own kids or being at home...there was usually a beef stew on the stove and homemade applesauce and way too much candy!! This year I was at my sister's and though there was a lot of similarities, and Isaac, my mind kept going back to Halloween's past and one of Michael's last ones when he was so sick and he was lying on the bed on the front porch and wanted to be part of everything and just couldn't. And my heart was heavy with grief because I missed him so much and I continue to do so...
Thanksgiving was the same thing...dinner at Kathy's in-laws, and though it was nice it just wasn't the same...there was no Allison, no Michael...Jennifer was with Justin and Isaac and my boys were with their girls and their families...I was happy about that but it didn't ease the ache in my heart for what should be.
And as we approach Christmas, I feel as if I continue to go backwards...I thought for sure this one would be easier...most days my heart is at peace about Michael...but not right now...right now I want him back...I want our life back...I want my man, my home, my job...I don't want to play this game anymore...I'm tired of pretending that I am OK...I don't feel OK...I feel lost and lonely...I wonder when the pain will go away...I wonder when I will stop missing him
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