Deck the halls...

"It's Christmas time in the City"  There was a time when Christmas Carols made me happy...then there was a time when they made me so sad I couldn't listen to them...now this year I can feel a yearning for them, but still so many of them bring tears to my eyes.  When Michael and I were raising our boys Christmas was an amazing time and you never knew when one of us would break out in song...I had so many favorites and he wouldn't admit it, but so did he...and decking the halls...well, we both loved to do that.  I decorated the inside of the house (for the most part) and he decorated the outside.  It always seemed as if he picked the coldest day of the year to go outside and hang all of his lights...and he did so after a full day of work.  I remember standing at the kitchen door talking to him as he strung lights upon lights upon lights.  And when he was done we would walk across the street and admire his work...and if it wasn't too late we would get in the car and drive around the block to get the full effect...he was always in competition with the neighbors and was happy when everyone was up for the challenge.  I have so many beautiful memories of Christmas (the ugly memories have been forgotten...death has a way of doing that)...we always picked out a tree together as a family until the boys went off to college and we bought a fake one (I don't think the boys have ever gotten over that)...we disagreed on lights...I liked white, he liked color, but we compromised, as we did for so many things...over the years we accumulated so many decorations, so many village houses, so many memories...and then he was gone...and I couldn't bring myself to decorate for Christmas...the first Christmas made me so sad...I couldn't believe he wasn't here...when just the year before we had so much hope for his health and healing...and year two wasn't any easier, though I did buy a very small tabletop tree to honor him...but I did it for him because I just didn't have it in me to celebrate his favorite holiday without him...now I am at my third Christmas without him...and I am with my sister and her husband, and I watched them deck the halls this past week-end...as they honor Allison with a memory tree, and they decorate the rest of their house I feel the yearning to begin to do that, as well...to celebrate the birth of Jesus...to celebrate life, rebirth, love...and though I yearn for Michael and all that was, I know that I will carry him in my heart and that I will "deck the halls" next year...not just for him, but for myself and for my family as well..."Soon it will be Christmas Day"...