Filled with doubt...

Lately my heart has been filled with doubt...which I've discovered is NOT a good place to be...

I question WHY Michael had to get cancer...WHY did he go thru so much only to die...WHY did he leave me alone to face the world without him...WHY won't I have him to grow old with...WHY do I have to make all the changes and be strong and have all the answers????

I don't want any of this...

My heart is full of doubt about our life together...if I had done something different would things have been different? would he still be alive? would we go thru life being clueless about loss? did I do all the right things?  did I make him happy? did he know how happy I was? probably not...I don't think even I realized how happy I was until it was all gone...

I didn't know how happy I was ... now I know how happy I was and now I know how sad I can be...

And now I know I must move forward and try to learn to live without him...learn to live a life just for me...to leave my old life behind and make a new life...but my heart is full of doubt...

THE KISS

It has been 30 months since Michael passed away...when I say it by months it doesn't seem as long...but it has been a long time.  I miss him every day, but as time goes on I don't think of him as often throughout the day.  When I lay my head down to sleep and I thank God for the blessings of the day I think of Michael...I don't often dream of him...though I wish I did...I miss him...I miss so many things about him (though truth be told, not EVERYTHING :) but what I miss most is the laughter and the love...

We had such a crazy love...it was up, it was down, it was all around but we hung in there thru the rough times and I am thankful that we savored the good times.  Our love was passionate...we fought passionately and we loved passionately and we followed my grandmother's advice and never went to bed angry at each other...sometimes we were up all night, but we didn't go to bed angry!!

Michael took my breath away from the moment of our first kiss on the seawall oh, so many years ago...he was such an amazing kisser and he said the same about me so it was a match made in heaven.  We NEVER greeted each other without a kiss...we never went to bed without a kiss...and spontaneous kisses throughout the day were normal for us.  Every morning before he left for work he would lean over and kiss me on the cheek and I would reach up and touch his cheek and say "love you, have a great day" and he would say "love you too" and off he would go...

Just the other night as I lay in bed somewhere between waking and sleeping, I felt his kiss on my cheek, as clearly as if he were in the room with me and I reached up to touch his cheek, but he wasn't there but still I whispered "love you" and I heard his voice say "it is going to be alright" and I closed my eyes and fell asleep with the knowledge that it will be alright...

HANDS...

I went to get my nails done the other day and had a man do them...a bit unusual for me and as he took my hand I realized that the one thing that was so much a part of my life is no longer...holding hands...

Michael and I always held hands...a small squeeze of the hand was our signal of "I love you"...no matter where we were our hands always gravitated toward one another...even when we slept somehow our hands always touched...and I didn't realize until the other day just how much I missed that.

Hands...I've been a "hand" person for as long as I can remember...my mother's hand draped over the front seat as my father drove and my sister and brother and I were in the backseat...her hand just hanging there always brought me comfort...my dad's long fingers holding a cigarette or a cigar in one hand and a drink in another always reminded me of a movie...Nana Foley's hands, twisted with age...

Hands that tell the story of people's lives...and always at the end of their lives it is the hands that I remember...Stroking Nana's hands in the nursing home as she told me stories of her youth...Mom's hands still and lifeless as she lay in the hospital bed...Dad's hands trying to help me put his feeding tube in...Allison's hands, so young and beautiful as she played with her laptop...Michael's hands reaching for me, always reaching for me and then so still...

Michael's hands, as he lay in the casket were so very beautiful...long and slender and wearing his wedding ring and draped in rosary beads...someone said they were so beautiful that we should take a picture...we didn't...I wish we had...

For if I had taken a picture then I would remember the hands that I love so much...his gentle hands that worked so hard to make a life for his family...hands that loved me...hands that changed diapers and fixed boo-boos...hands that clapped the loudest when his boys did something good...hands that slapped high fives when his teams scored a touchdown...hands that welcomed you in...hands that reached out when someone needed him...

Michael's hands weren't the nicest hands, but in my opinion they were the best...I miss those hands...I miss holding his hand, stroking his hand, squeezing his hand...but most of all I miss the squeeze back...I miss holding his hand... 

Deck the halls...

"It's Christmas time in the City"  There was a time when Christmas Carols made me happy...then there was a time when they made me so sad I couldn't listen to them...now this year I can feel a yearning for them, but still so many of them bring tears to my eyes.  When Michael and I were raising our boys Christmas was an amazing time and you never knew when one of us would break out in song...I had so many favorites and he wouldn't admit it, but so did he...and decking the halls...well, we both loved to do that.  I decorated the inside of the house (for the most part) and he decorated the outside.  It always seemed as if he picked the coldest day of the year to go outside and hang all of his lights...and he did so after a full day of work.  I remember standing at the kitchen door talking to him as he strung lights upon lights upon lights.  And when he was done we would walk across the street and admire his work...and if it wasn't too late we would get in the car and drive around the block to get the full effect...he was always in competition with the neighbors and was happy when everyone was up for the challenge.  I have so many beautiful memories of Christmas (the ugly memories have been forgotten...death has a way of doing that)...we always picked out a tree together as a family until the boys went off to college and we bought a fake one (I don't think the boys have ever gotten over that)...we disagreed on lights...I liked white, he liked color, but we compromised, as we did for so many things...over the years we accumulated so many decorations, so many village houses, so many memories...and then he was gone...and I couldn't bring myself to decorate for Christmas...the first Christmas made me so sad...I couldn't believe he wasn't here...when just the year before we had so much hope for his health and healing...and year two wasn't any easier, though I did buy a very small tabletop tree to honor him...but I did it for him because I just didn't have it in me to celebrate his favorite holiday without him...now I am at my third Christmas without him...and I am with my sister and her husband, and I watched them deck the halls this past week-end...as they honor Allison with a memory tree, and they decorate the rest of their house I feel the yearning to begin to do that, as well...to celebrate the birth of Jesus...to celebrate life, rebirth, love...and though I yearn for Michael and all that was, I know that I will carry him in my heart and that I will "deck the halls" next year...not just for him, but for myself and for my family as well..."Soon it will be Christmas Day"...

October...November...December...

I don't know where the time goes...I was going to be so good about blogging...sort of a healing journal...but like most things that I attempt I'm not doing such a great job!!

I'm feeling very lost these days and the holidays are killing me...Halloween came and with it a host of emotions that I did not know were still bubbling inside of me.  Halloween was such a crazy holiday in our house...Michael loved to decorate...he loved to make the kids costumes, paint their faces (and anyone else's who stopped by :) and loved answering the door for all the trick or treaters. We always had a great night whether it was going out with our own kids or being at home...there was usually a beef stew on the stove and homemade applesauce and way too much candy!!  This year I was at my sister's and though there was a lot of similarities, and Isaac, my mind kept going back to Halloween's past and one of Michael's last ones when he was so sick and he was lying on the bed on the front porch and wanted to be part of everything and just couldn't. And my heart was heavy with grief because I missed him so much and I continue to do so...

Thanksgiving was the same thing...dinner at Kathy's in-laws, and though it was nice it just wasn't the same...there was no Allison, no Michael...Jennifer was with Justin and Isaac and my boys were with their girls and their families...I was happy about that but it didn't ease the ache in my heart for what should be.

And as we approach Christmas, I feel as if I continue to go backwards...I thought for sure this one would be easier...most days my heart is at peace about Michael...but not right now...right now I want him back...I want our life back...I want my man, my home, my job...I don't want to play this game anymore...I'm tired of pretending that I am OK...I don't feel OK...I feel lost and lonely...I wonder when the pain will go away...I wonder when I will stop missing him

SEPTEMBER...

September has come and gone and with it a  host of emotions...Michael and I got married on September 15, 1979 ... it was a beautiful fall day...the sky was an amazing blue, the clouds were perfect and our wedding day was the best that it could be...we were young, our families were a bit dysfunctional and we made the best of what we had...I remember walking down the aisle and being afraid of what was to be and I remember saying to myself "oh, well...if it doesn't work out we can always get divorced"...spoken like a true immature 22 year old :)...but we made it thru all those crazy hard times...struggles with the families, raising our two boys, making a home, loving each other, fighting like crazy, loving like crazy, laughing like crazy...all in all, we had a good life and just as Matthew and Joseph were finishing with college and we were ready to learn to be just the two of us again, BAM...cancer invaded our lives on September 27, 2007...it was another beautiful fall day, the sky was an amazing blue and I remember when the doctor said "it's cancer"...Michael was sitting on the table and I was behind him, with my arms around his shoulders so I don't know what his face said when he got the news, but I know that I buried my face in his hair and held on to him, and I never let go. That day was the beginning of an amazing three years for us...all those years before were just a dress rehearsal for what we were going to go thru ...and even though Michael lost his battle with cancer on July 24, 2010, he fought a good fight and the love and devotion that we had for one another grew with each passing day...to me September is our "love" month...always was, always will be...

The watch...

It's Labor Day week-end...I'm feeling a little out of sorts...holidays do that to me now...no matter if they are significant holidays or not...it is still a holiday WITHOUT Michael.

Holidays give me a chance to feel more sad than normal and it seems as if on holidays I just let the sadness come...other days I push it down and away so that I don't have to FEEL, but on holidays I say "give it your best shot" and it usually doesn't disappoint!!

Today I went downstairs to my pile of belongings in my sisters basement...I'm not sure why...I guess I was looking for something to do to occupy this restless mind of mine...and what I found was Michael's "change" box...the one he kept on his nightstand...the one that has coins and small keepsakes and a "wishlist" for the house and his watch...I touched the coins, knowing that Michael was probably the last one to touch them...I read over the wish list and smiled remembering the conversation we had about some changes he wanted to make to the house (and I promised him that if I was ever in a position to do so, I would, just the way he wanted) and I took the watch out of the box and it is still keeping time...two years later it has the right time (EST)...and I lost it...how could that watch still be ticking and he has been gone from me for over two years...how could it still be ticking and I haven't seen his face or touched his hand or felt his arms around me...and it is still ticking...how can that be?  How can my whole life have changed so drastically and that damn watch is still going?  He wore that watch all the time...he had to change the band many times because it broke so often, but the watch has stood the test of time and it is still ticking...I used to tease him about the watch band suntan that he would get and I always told him how cute it was when he took the watch off at the end of his work day...I buried my nose in the green canvas band, just trying to remember his scent...I couldn't...I looked at the back of the watch and saw the little bit of dirt there that undoubtedly came from the sweat of his wrist and I thought .... "here is Michael's DNA...a piece of him"  I took the watch and put it on my wrist thinking that I would wear it, but it just didn't feel right...it is his watch...worn by him.  I took it upstairs, thought of changing the time to CST and then decided against it...I put it in my nightstand drawer, there to take out whenever I want to...a piece of Michael that he always wore...a little piece of him...a reminder that life keeps on ticking even if you don't want it to...